My thanksgiving

Generational Gaps of my family

 

So Im sitting at an airport and figured what better time to bring the blog back from the dead, however mostly for my own amusement.

 

This weekend was a usual smellie thanksgiving, for those that don’t know I have a rather large family which encompasses all sorts of the spectrum, from uncles who were lt. colonel fighter pilots and had the pleasure of dropping bombs on terrorists (pretty bad ass) to a midwife who decided to share how she doesn’t know how some of these creatures get pregnant, because she isn’t sure who would sleep with them to begin with, a very valid point.

This was a different thanksgiving as we had our first baby of the family, a full 4 generations of smellies. It made me quickly realize that families (probably not yours but mine) fall into very specific categories on thanksgiving.  I will preface though, my family is very open and blunt, crude and obnoxious.

 

The Baby (Eat, poop and sleep)

 

Baby Rylinne, all 3 months old is a great baby. Since there are 26 grandkids, its inevitable that someone screws up royally, odds say so, luckily it was not me and my younger cousin.  So my cousin had a baby, a cute one at that and she is a pleasure to be around.  All she does is eat, poop and sleep, and doesn’t whine or cry. As my father would tell you, the perfect woman and I should find one just like her, but that’s beside the point. My mother on the other hand had her first mid life crisis. No one was allowed to touch her, feed her or hold her, except when she would allow me to and insisted on flashing endless photos of me doing so (For reference, formula poops are the most vile thing on this planet and they are green, reminds me of when miley would eat plastic/beer and an entire bag of Doritos and poop on our carpet in college, and we let it sit for awhile). So when 100 pictures of me get put on facebook of me and a baby, fyi its not mine. This lead to a lovely conversation of when Im going to give my mother a baby…holy shit of awkward dinner conversations.

 

Mom “So when are you going to have a baby”

Me: “I don’t know, 8 yearsish?” I figured giving her a timetable rather then saying I don’t know was the easiest way out of this situation.

 

Now growing up they said, “use protection, make sure she is on the pill or pull out” Ok, I made the pulling out part up, but still. She kept pushing the situation in which I informed her to go buy one from Africa if she wants a baby so badly. Yes, she cried when we had to leave today and is worried Ill never give her a baby now. Oh well.

 

Teenagers (They are just evil)

Now these kids used to be cute and fun to be around, and if you step out of line your never going to hear the end of it. Matt, now 12 described to my grandma that he had dingle berries after hockey practice and needs to use wet wipes. Grandma didn’t know what dingle berries were, so having 5 grandkids explaining to her the inner workings was a true joy of thanksgiving. Her response “oh that’s nice”. I still insist she knew what they were but forgot. She did have 9 boys growing up  (Btw, my computer auto corrects dingle berries to two words rather then one. Good for you Mac)

The boys are vile and mean, but the girls are nightmares. The high school ones tell me about their boyfriends and all the crap no man would ever want to hear ever, but for some sick reason because I’m family, conversations don’t alter when I am around. Do I want to hear about my 16 and 17 year old cousins talking about that time of month or their sexual relations, fuck no. I never want a girl ever and I mean ever. As my uncle with three boys tells me aunt with three girls, “I love my life, my boys have one penis, and your daughters have way more holes, good luck with that.” Yeah, Jesus Christ my family is loving, hence my future wife will never come to thanksgiving until there is a ring on her finger.

 

Adults (Drunk Story Tellers)

Drunks may be a poor term as they are all very successful and fun people to be around. They just have no boundaries. I always learn more and more about my family every year I get older and it starts around 11pm. This year they drank 12 cases of beer and 11 bottles of wine.

For example, when I was a baby in San Diego my parents grew “plants” in their backyard and let my mother’s sisters and brothers sell them in college or gave them to the Mexicans for doing our yard work. This year I learned that im responsible for three marriages in the family and my uncles almost killed me. 3 of my uncles met their wives by using me as bait as a baby on the beach in San Diego. While it is a foolproof strategy, I feel as if I was pimped out from birth to age 3. My aunt for gods sake used to invite her then boyfriend over when I was a baby to get alone time at my parents house and let me sit in my crib all day.

I also was informed as a baby they would take me to Mexico so they could drink margaritas all day because they were a dollar cheaper and they could buy “cool shit” in Mexico. I have figured out where I get it from, because I LOVE cool shit. Who in their right mind takes a baby to Mexico? Im shocked they didn’t pawn me off for an extra bucket of coronas. (For all I know I could’ve been used as a drug mule.) Yes they drove home waster.  Yes, they got pulled over and got off only because they told the office they had their sister’s baby and shed kill them if she found out. Well, she did this thanksgiving.

In their defense they were in the naval academy and air force academy at the time and were 20. I considered what would happen if someone gave the guys and me a baby to watch for a weekend.  Pretty sure the baby is coming to magerks and I doubt anyone would argue the idet for more then a few minutes, hell we’d prob argue over who gets to carry it up to a group of girls and who takes the hit and has to pretend its their baby for the night.

 

Grandma (Saintly)

Grandma is as catholic as she gets, hence having 13 kids.  She is 80 in march and is at the point where she tolerates everyone. She sips her bud light in a corner and doesn’t do much. She laughs when my uncles tell stories she absolutely disapproves of, but at her point in life who really cares anymore.  She’s seen 12 of 13 kids get married, held every baby and changed every diaper of all 26 of us and hears every effed up story about her grandkids. However, she has become what my father told me. She eats, sleeps and goes to the bathroom. She has become the perfect woman, who just happens to have a family full of special people.

 

My family dynamic is bizarre, twisted and overwhelming, but they are pretty freaking fun. Thanksgiving takes a bigger toll on my body then Preakness, virgin fest and magerks snow days combine. I need a nap.

 

If I won the lottery

So if anyone hasn’t seen it yet, this toothless asshole hillbilly won 285 million. It might as well be a fucking crime. What is this guy going to do, actually buy groceries rather then digging up rode kill for dinner. This infuriates me when people who win this could basically be described as wastes of a perfectly good fortune. Like a few years ago when some 74 year old middle of nowhere tv less dick bag one the lottery. YOU DON’T HAVE TV! Who the hell are you and what are you going to do with that money?!? Why don’t they just give it to someone who would be completely ignorant. Im talking someone who would make it rain…on homeless people or random patrons on the street. Why? Because being the sole cause of a riot is right up there on my bucket list. If I had won 285 million what would I do with it.

First, Id quit my fucking job because what is the point, Id rather sit on my ass all day and play video games rather then work. Id perfect my craft to becoming the greatest COD player in all the land and take complete satisfaction making 14 year olds cry and then sending them hundreds in the mail to wipe their snotty tears away.

Second, Id probably get bored of this after a few months (yes, MONTHS. That shit would never get old) so I would need friends to hang out with. Fuck it, ill buy them out of their jobs or better yet, buy something where we can all work at and have fun. I would have no need for a profit, but it would give us something to do all day aka a gun range. Who wouldn’t want to hang out at a gun range all day and just play with weaponry? Answer: Any sissy fag who isn’t a true American male. It would also most definitely have a moon bounce in the backyard, because who doesn’t love a good moon bounce. We’d def need a game room, but for the sole reason to keep fucking up little kids in video games.

Now I know there is the proverbial, lets go to vegas and blow some money. Obviously, that is a complete given because I love flashing lights and fun noises and a total sucker for scantily clad women, but if your going to take a trip, were going to Africa to hunt peop…I mean animals. You want to kill an elephant with a hand grenade? Knock your socks off, its on me. You want to shoot a fifty caliber rifle at prairie dogs? Im your man, ill spot you.

Some people would say, buy a Ferrari, lambo or something fast. WHY?! I have no where to go. Im buying fucking monster trucks, and a shit ton of them and not only that, id make them rocket launcher proof. If you don’t believe me look it up. You can get your car bullet/machine and the ultimate extreme….rocket launcher proof You think you look cool with your suicide doors…well can your car smash small buildings and have your friends shoot rocket launchers at it and come out in a blaze of glory. This would also lead me to purchasing the nearest trailer park and using it as my stomping grounds. I need to battle test my rides out of course.

Then there is this asshole, who will probably live forever in bumble fuck and buy some piece of shit car and the best part of it is…he is contemplating to continue to work at his $7.50/hr job. It really pisses me off and I’m out of here to go enjoy a cold beer and a 9 aycd tomorrow. This was my rant of the day.

Why I Wont Get Married…Because I Love my Friends

About 4 weeks ago I was at my cousins wedding, first of my side of the family to get married. Obviously I had a blast but this has to do with my mother sitting next to me in church and her exact words.

“Do you think you’ll ever get married?”

“Of course, she’s gonna be a babe”, I replied

She looked at me, my aunts and uncles laughed and she said, “How are you going to get married let alone have a serious girlfriend with your group of guy friends and the dumb things you guys do”

Interesting topic because I personally think my friends are the greatest human beings put on this earth. I know of no other people that will not only participate in ridiculous acts of entertainment and fun, but fully endorse it.

Since this was a wedding I began witnessing how my cousin’s friends behaved at the wedding. They were all hammered and ripping shots and having a blast. I told my mother, “look at them, they are all getting wasted” to get her reply of, “can you imagine what your friends will be like at your wedding, your grandmother is gonna keel over” (of course at this point in time I was crushing gin martinis with my father, the one thing I know gets him going.) and asked for some solid reasoning of why I won’t get married.

In a short summary, ever since college she said I have brought home and dated some gorgeous women, but no longer am I in college and no longer do naked antics, drink ups and having a puppy get you girls (Yes we did that…and it worked) She brought to the point that we love to party and have fun with each other more then even remotely speaking to a girl, referencing the 4th of July summer I brought 8 guys home to a beach party and we played dizzy bat and passed around bottles rather then talk to a single girl. Of course she then gave her opinions on every girl I brought home…not exactly having the nicest things to say, but I told her it didn’t matter because they were hot and that’s all that matters in this world. (My mother can never tell if Im serious or not, it’s hysterical and with that statement nor was I)

Anyways so we after a few more drinks she decided to plan my not existing wedding after I provoked her to no end (true mother/son bonding). She requested two things, at a country club and golf for everyone attending the wedding Saturday beforehand.

Solid idea I thought, but I needed to make a few adjustments. First off I got her to agree to a full weekend celebration that includes a pregame bbq beforehand and party after. This is an awful idea because Im sure my “bride” will be thrilled when I’m fully inebriated walking down the aisle, but I told her Im gearing my weddings towards what my friends would like as she looked on in disgust. (That girl better love my friends)

Her biggest concern was the best mans speech. I have no idea who that will be; however she didn’t care, as none of my friends are responsible enough for such a daunting task. She figured whoever gave it would be borderline blackout and would end up telling stories that probably did not involve my wife to be, but rather a graphic story depicting Craigsfest, Preakness or any event in which we all got together. I was waiting for her to ask if we could cut that out, she said we’ll leave it and this instantly is the number 1 thing I look forward to. (I hope they tell a sweet story)

What really bothered her the most though is my only issue…who the fuck wants a live band. That is boring and old fashioned. Im talking about getting a sick dj with some laser lights and techno strobes (you don’t know me if you think I’m kidding) my first dance might as well be “You are the Thunder and I am the Lightning” romantic point, bad ass song. Hell, fuck it. Lets just get a jukebox I told her, just trying to be a man of the people. We could listen to shots and evacuate the dance floor on repeat and no one can say shit…it’s my wedding. I guess I didn’t fully understand the part about this being the brides day…If I’m getting locked up, never getting laid again and not allowed to trash the house with the my guy friends on random Sundays then I’m going out with a bang (mind you I’m actually describing this reasoning to my mother)

To some this may seem like perfectly good reasoning why Ill never get married, to others it may seem like the perfect reason why I should, because that wedding will be sick. I’ve only met one girl who truly enjoyed everything we did as a group of guys which leads me to believe another exists, but until that day I will continue to be reckless, naked and a bundle of joy…starting this weekend, one of my top 5 favorite days of the year. See you boys there.

New York PPV event

I love New York just as much as the next person, but this past week was a very stressful one, not only was I suppose to learn a new job function from complete strangers, but this was the first time I spent considerable time with part of my team, of course the part they send me with is all women. They might as well said, “how do you feel about going to NY, but in doing so getting judged and having your life prodded by every senior member of your group 24 hours a day, oh btw they all have strong personalities and lots of needs?”

I would have told them fuck that I’d rather be castrated, that’s not a typical situation I thrive in. It basically felt like a never-ending date with the odds stacked against me, was it even possible to succeed…

I met them at the train station, of course being that they were somewhat needy had 5 bags between 2 of them of shit. Was I remotely surprised? Of course not, every woman I’ve ever dated or know packs like they might get trapped wherever they are headed for all eternity and need outfits in case a tsunami or hurricane hits. Who knows what was in those bags, but it was a 5 day trip. 5 days, that’s it.

Secondly, not only did they constantly complain about the FREE hotel they were staying at in Times Square 2 blocks from work they even complained about the food and where we ate with our FREE meals. I was completely happy with dirty water dogs, a nice bag of walnuts or anything for that matter, hell it’s a free lunch. Sorry, but this drove me borderline insane and walking 10 blocks to eat at a fucking deli is ridiculous.

(Sidenote: highlight of the week was having one of the girls tell me “only grilled meat goes in this mouth” Of course I laughed, any male under the age of 30 would and I dare someone to tell me otherwise.)

Enough about them, I realize as Im writing this that its only funny if you were there to witness first hand how uncomfortable I was and stressed out, so for reference sake I am not totally excited to work with my coworkers, lets hope I don’t shoot myself by late August.

(Sidenote 2: they all have gfs/husbands and I am blown away by this. How is this possible? These men are either saints or extremely foolish. I spent roughly 40-50 hours with them and my patience is already non existent.)

I overall enjoyed my time there and it consisted mostly of seeing former Loyola friends, but a one thing stood out above all…

I saw the most absurd shit ever. Coming home on the 4 train I witness a gay guy vs a married woman. This is one of those rare moments where you aren’t sure how to handle yourself. Do you sit in the corner and watch, hoping nothing gets out of hand…or do you get involved choose a side and let the shit hit the fan…Take a guess which option I chose.

So 5 gay couples entered the train and began showing affection, this lady wearing Yankees gear did not find it quite appropriate. I guess someone forgot to tell John Rocker she was in NY and its quite prevalent. Of course words were traded which I will not repeat and a full out brawl started with hair pulling and bitch slapping. It was like a PPV fight and I had front row seats. I won’t deny I may have told the lady to chill the f down (which is tame for me) and started cheering as she got dragged off by 2 cops and could still be in jail for all I know. OF COURSE…the officers ask me to step off the train because I’m the number #1 witness, I get to give my statement and everything, this is fucking awesome. I would love to get a copy of this report, maybe emails updating me on the woman’s jail time, possibly become her pen pal? Tell me that wouldn’t be sweet. You get her put in jail and then try to help her on her way to redemption…I know what your thinking, Im like a modern day JC. All sorts of cool shit was running through my head about how I was going to turn this into a vivid story with colorful commentary and vivacious vernacular. However, my descriptiveness was after a Yankees game and 3 hours at Stans. I ended up with “the girl was wildin out and attacked the dude in purple” My dreams…destroyed and I was promptly sent on my way.

Book Review (this wont happen often)

I figure one serious article for every five is a solid ratio. I began reading this economics book Fooled by Randomness by Nassim Taleb to impress a boss after it was discussed in a meeting. Did he ever notice? Of course not, but what I did gain was a new perspective on life itself in respect to randomness.

Nassim, the author of The Black Swan is Lebanese man who for his life worked on Wall Street as an options trader. He had watched people succeed as well as blow up and it never once affected him in both an emotional and professional sense. He is an economist to the fullest extent. He bases all his arguments on rational reasoning and logic, traits he believes that the majority of Wall Street workers do not have today.

If Taleb comes off as arrogant and elitist, then you have missed the point of the book entirely. At first, you want to argue and shoot holes through his Monte Carlo theorems, disagree with his views on how to have long-term success, and refute his belief in the power of the unpredictable. However, once you take a step back and look at his arguments, which are based off perfect reasoning and mathematics, you are drawn to his approach to viewing the the financial markets in a different lifet, let alone the world itself.

In Finance, people claim to be experts at predictions. People give market predictions every day, base all this information off of valuations, chart running and personal beliefs and what does Taleb say, “it is worthless”. For how do these people know? You can’t predict the unpredictable and using history is a foolish way to predict the future.

Taleb argues this point in many creative ways, describing that any given event can occur if given enough opportunities. Could an asteroid hit the earth if we give it infinite amount of years? Absolutely and it would be devastating. It’s an interesting thought that shows you can’t base future predictions on the past random events. Taleb blasts the people who waste their time reading the wall street journal every morning or listening to predictors on CNBC. He says there is no relevant information that can come out of there because it is in the past. People predict things that are most likely to occur, which really aren’t predictions if you think about it rather just picking the statistical majority. It is cyclical and if you are correct you will continue to guess until one day you are wrong and blow up.

Nassem argues that people should be predicting the events with the lowest percentage of occurence rather then wasting their time with the obvious. Why focus on the rise of the market when you should worry about the .01% chance it crashes and everyone loses their money. It creates much more significant outcomes that affect everyone rather then worrying about the short term effect of a market shift. The main reasoning behind Nassem’s book deals with the premise of luck. To fully understand and appreciate it you must realize that life in the financial sector is luck. An example he uses…

“I have just completed a thorough statistical examination of the life of President Bush. For 58 years, close to 21,000 observations, he did not die once. I can hence pronounce him as immortal, with a high degree of statistical significance.” So just because a hedge fund has increased 20% for 15 years straight, you can not believe it will increase a 16th. Why? Because you can’t predict the future based on past observations, it is the outliers that truly affect our lives, not the predictable outcomes, investing like life is a string of random events.

How to survive being homeless

As much as you may believe, I do have a heart and soul they just aren’t reserved for bitchy ex- girlfriends, people who aren’t us (most people will get this) or anything with an IQ below 100. However, one thing I have a mixed bag of emotions for is homeless people. They absolutely fascinate me. How do they survive the cold? Where do they go for a good meal? Is there an underground bum-fighting circle in Baltimore? If so please let me know, as my next paycheck will promptly be wagered. Id welcome the title “king of the bum fights”. Mike Vick should have thought of this, much cheaper alternative and they have nothing to lose. Nothing better then when you can only go up. I’d raise my bum to be like Jean Claude Van Damm in Lionheart. It would be EPIC.

Anyways, I do feel bad for the bums that got unlucky or screwed someway or somehow. Luck does play a significant portion in life and you my friend are Hugo Reyes. (I wrote this so you realize I’m not a total ass) Hell, my day revolves around homeless people because I’m so mezmerized. These people are resourceful and never waste a movement or position on a corner, so if I was a bum I’d live by these standards.

If I was a bum there is not a doubt in my mind Id be ultra successful.
Top 5 bum Tactics

1. Have a “go to move”- Now seeing that you are homeless, your probably aren’t good at very much, like life, but there are weird things you can do. Ie. The guy at shuckers who carries around an old school camera and offers to take your picture, just like an icebreaker! Im gonna start using this approach on women.

2. Wear ridiculous shit- If I saw a homeless guy who dressed like woody harrelson or Wesley Snipes how could I not give you a dollar, shit Id give you 100$ for your wardrobe, no questions asked.

3. Claim a spot- Busy corners are a premium, I can imagine bums go through great lengths to claim one as their own. (Reference underground bum fights). However, the guy with no legs and arms gets rush hour traffic going onto to 83…No way in hell id let that shit slide. Are other bums being sympathetic or some shit because you have claws for hands? Do they call him captain hook? I don’t know, but other bums need to step their game up and claim that shit. It’s a fucking gold mine. I always give my leftover change to him on the way to taps. Makes me feel rich when I give away 34 cents. Psh, I don’t need that quarter. I got 7$ in my wallet!

4. Carry an arsenal- Im talking like Neo from the Matrix style. Try to rob me bitch and Im beating you over the head with a multitude of weapons. I actually researched this because all I could think of was tons of different blunt objects and you know what I found…homeless people are fucking brilliant. It’s like they gained super engineering skills the second their life was in danger
a. “I found it more convenient to buy the ammunition and make “zip” guns- reasoning being that if I had to use the weapon I could ditch it, not lose a substantial investment, and make another one later.”
b. Saps – Put one sock inside another and fill it with your choice of stuff like rocks, or the loose change you collect of the street – then tie a knot in it to keep it all in the end.
c. Basically an 11-12 inch long hardwood dowel (1″-1 1/4″ thick) with a lanyard on one end. To hold, hang the lanyard off your thumb along the back of your hand; swing it up into your hand from underneath and grip loosely. Used forcefully with a snapping motion at the joints and hard points of a persons body it causes a lot of pain and can break bones (takes practice though). Sharpening to a blunt point it can also be used to “stab” at the soft points of a person’s anatomy, again causing a lot of pain.
d. Iron Cross – Anybody remember those “Atchison Hunters”(sp)? These aren’t much different except they don’t fold up. Get two lengths of flat stock steel (8-10 inches each) and bind them together to make a + ; then sharpen the ends to points. Filing notches before binding will help keep them from slipping. Great fun for power throwers, and in HTH hold one end and use as a three-way stabbing instrument.

Holy shit. I don’t even have words to describe this and yes I just googled “how to survive if you’re homeless, weapons” Work might send me an email about this one. I’ll tell them it was for research.

5. Become the king- If you can be either the strongest bum, the smartest bum, the most lethal bum you have a shot of ruling an entire city. Hell, would I rather be working as an entry level analyst or be the king of the bums in all of Baltimore? Its obviously not a tough question, but it makes you think.

With these five easy steps you too can master being a bum. Now go out and live worthless lives.

My brother the stripper and why my parents are the shit

Growing up I used to think I had evil controlling parents. No TV till after all my homework was done and after sports practice and even then I had an 830 bed time with lights off…till 4th grade. Wtf. However, 5th grade was a big year for me, I got a 930-bed time for the sole purpose of having to in at school as I was missing crucial moments of WWF Raw/WCW Nitro. Yeah, I loved wrestling when I was little, even named my little brother after my favorite wrestler. It was only a few years later I realized I named him after a wrestler whose “act” was that he was a male stripper “he’s just a sexy boy, sexxxxy boyyyy, I’m not your boy toy, boyyyy toyyyy” Seriously, look up Shawn Michaels Heartbreak Kid entrance music, fucking amazing. (So Sean don’t ever ask me for anything, I named you after a wrestler/stripper who was a womanizer)

Total back-story tangent, but imperative for you to figure out my parents, I mean, what type of parents let an 8-year-old name his newborn brother, this should’ve been my first sign my parents were gonna be awesome as I got older. My mother grew up scottish catholic with 9 brothers and 3 sisters, guaranteed my grandmother still doesn’t know what contraception is to this day. They did all sorts of dumb things that she put up with being one of the oldest, most things a general reader wouldn’t even believe, so maybe that’s why my family was so strict with me, but one day there would be a breaking point.

I had never drank or partied up until the summer going into college, though that changed dramatically within two seconds of freedom and first day of move in. I uncontrollably vomited all over my brand new bedspread and woke up on the floor, my roommates and soon to be accomplices were nicest enough to not let me sleep in it. I might as well been that schoolgirl who is home schooled her entire life and once allowed into the free world gets trained by the entire basketball team., though unlike that poor girls father, my parents fully accepted by debauchery. I quickly met friends, who like me believed there is no such thing as limits and that everything you do is worth it as long as there is a great story. I slowly started bringing them home to my house and my parents slowly realized it wasn’t even worth trying control us, rather embrace us or in more recent cases, just never be home when I decide I need a change of scenery.

We have duke lacrossed in my family room, broken kitchen tables, jumped out my house windows into my hot tub, had a legit buffet while in the hot tub (dad was mad when we had to drain it), people have passed out in my lawn at 10am, we’ve gotten kicked out of bars, shot 400$ worth of fireworks at each other (easily one of the most fun weekends until I singed off my left eye lashes)

Every time we clean to our fullest capabilities, every time my parents know (some of my friends clean by throwing beer cans farther into the woods). Do they ever care that we broke my dad’s pizza grille, ripped off a few legs of the kitchen table or made the basement smell like natty light for the whole summer? Not really. All they know is that when they come home, everything remotely edible and anything with any percentage alcohol in it is gone because there is nothing better then free food and booze at the ripe ages of your early twenties.

This however was the first time I was given open arms to do whatever I’d like, and ill tell ya It didn’t feel right. I received a note saying, “We left you beer, wine, pizza and money…Please don’t crash the boat.” Why what a loving family I figured. Since college taught me how to be resourceful (One thing I’m pretty good at) I decided to put them all to good use together. Friends came over; we enjoyed the weekend and for once were rather tame, a few mishaps here and there, but nothing comparable to previous or future endeavors. Maybe this is a good thing seeing as we are all coming back to my house/Atlantic City for my friend Blinging Bry (for his fine taste in golden plated watches) and mines birthday. While Id bet my life that adventures will take place, someone will sleep in an alley and other things to a far greater extent will occur. I am truly glad we didn’t ruin that opportunity this weekend, up until when I got back to Baltimore a text arrived from my parents in Cabo.

“Mariachis singing dog begging at dinner table. At Spanish mass, dad wasted on tequila”

That doesn’t even remotely make sense unless they are at the coolest church ever, which Im sure my father found in Cabo. Well mom and dad, I will not let you have more fun then me. April 30th-may 2nd will be epic.

Ps. The reason my family never gets mad at me and my friends is that my mom says we remind her of her asshole brothers.

The Most Complete List of Women Ever

While I attempt to do this with the utmost respect, please do not be offended as I am starting this while enjoying a glass of boxed wine (I’m so classy) and watching basketball. (Josh Smith’s dunk tonight was probably better then a 6 girl orgy, I kid you not…read previous post) Enjoy the most complete list of women ever.

1. Girl who never shuts up…ever
2. Girl who sits silently and judges from a corner
3. Fat girl who sits silently and judges from a corner as you hit on her friend. She already hates you without saying a word to you.
4. The gorgeous girl who knows she gorgeous and doesn’t give you the time of day.
5. The gorgeous girl who sleeps with everyone who says hi to her…That is a grade “A” whore and everyone knows one.
6. The girl who tries to be different from her friends just to be different.
7. The girl who pretends to like sports just to seem cool to her guy friends.
8. The girl who actually loves sports and weirds every guy out, we really don’t want one of those, just fake it.
9. The girl who became skinny one summer and suddenly thinks no one remembers the day when she was a whale.
10. The girl who took freshman fifteen to a whole new level. We call this inflating the blimp
11. The girl that walks out of the house and needs to look perfect at all times.
12. The girl that dresses down to the point you may wonder if she is a man or a woman.
13. Girl who loves her school sports teams to the point she’s hooked up with all of them on the squad
14. The girl in a sundress and pearls the first day of spring.
15. The pretentious girl who thinks she is better then everyone because of her family
16. That same pretentious girl has serious emotional issues, yet no one cares.
17. The girl that has mental break downs over the dumbest things ever (My pet fish died)
18. The girl that makes herself cry by watching chick movies with her roommates.
19. The girl who satisfies her tears with a tub of ice cream and fast food when she is upset
20. That same girl then feels more horrible the next day and swears on her family she will go to the gym every day the rest of the year.
21. That same girl then goes twice and never again. Rinse and repeat the previous two steps.
22. The girl that swears away men for all eternity.
23. The same girl that is blacked out the next night taking home a mutant to make her feel better.
24. The genuinely nice girl who everyone has the utmost respect for.
25. The girl that talks shit on all her friends behind their backs but loves them up front.
26. The girl that swears she isn’t drunk after she just ripped 8 shots in a row.
27. That girl is then crying at the bar because she thinks her friends left her, little does she know she is passed out in her bathroom and never left her apartment.
28. The girl with enormous boobs that are excessively big for her body.
29. The girl who only talks about her family or dog, once is enough.
30. The girl who swears to you she never does this on a first date…yeah ok.
31. The girl who really doesn’t do anything on a first date. Its 2010 sweetheart, stop wasting my time.
32. The girl who is obsessed with being a MILF at all costs.
33. The material girl who has to have 20 designer bags, to carry her insecurities of course.
34. The girl who makes the gym look like a fashion show.
35. The girl that wants to go into the peace corp. and help people.
36. That same girl is scared of bugs, blood and outdoor bathrooms, solid career choice.
37. The southern belle
38. The west coast bombshell
39. The chic New Yorker
40. The mid west white trash
41. The potatoe sack girl, (barstoolsports.com)
42. The beer guzzling, pot bellied girl that scares men, because they think she could kill them.
43. The girl that is anal about being on time she flips out if your two minutes late for movie previews.
44. The girl who takes being late to a completely new level. No I don’t care what shoes you decide to wear, I wont even notice.
45. The stage five clinger.
46. The girl who after one night thinks you are now an item.
47. That same girl tells your friends you are her new boyfriend.
48. The girl who doesn’t understand the appeal of watching TV with your guy friends and not speaking to each other during the game.
49. The girl who doesn’t realize how competitive we are whether it be who can eat the most, who has the bigger poops and who has the smelliest farts. (If this one disgusted you, then you are that girl. Live with it, we all do it.)
50. The girl who thinks we are immature for doing this.
51. That same girl still dreams about being a Disney princess _______ and being whisked away by prince _______. And I’m immature?
52. The girl who sleeps over, asks to borrow a shirt and somehow god forsaken way ends up finding your favorite t-shirt ever hidden in the back.
53. The girl who sleeps over and hangs around all day in your bed to watch movies, lady I have important things to do like talk about you to my friends, eat pizza and watch sportscenter highlights.
54. The girl who wears skimpy clothes when she definitely should not.
55. The girl who dances like nobody is watching…You should probably stop, I am currently debating whether you are retarded or not.
56. The girl who doesn’t drink beer because it is too many calories.
57. Same girl doesn’t realize ripping shots is actually much worse for you.
58. The girl who will do anything to get married to the point of drugging and dragging you up the altar.
59. The artistic girl
60. The girl I see at lunch everyday with your blue Mohawk and lack of coat in 40-degree weather. I pray you read this.
61. The girl who “experimented” at one point in your life.
62. The girl who keeps “experimenting” to this day…Call me
63. The girl who gets legit excited for Ross and Rachel/Jim and Pam
64. The girl who has an argument with her friends whether they are team Jacob or team Edward.
65. The girl that doesn’t realize this girl is about to be double-teamed by a werewolf and a vampire.
66. The girl that just read that, smiled and dreamt they were Bella, you’re sick.
67. The girl who won’t sit through the 4th quarter of a sporting event (20 minutes), but then forces you to watch hours upon hours of chick flicks. (Ps I love you, Sweetest Thing, etc.) I’m pretty sure that is what hell is like, so quit bitching Ricardo.
68. The stereotypical black girl (loud, in your face, sweet dance moves) Ok maybe I just want to meet one of those.
69. The stereotypical white girl (dumb, blonde, peppy)
70. The girl who swears she doesn’t masturbate(right…Ill never believe it so don’t even try)
71. The cigarette smoker who does it to fit in with her friends.
72. The religious girl, who wears their religion on their sleeves at all times.
73. The religious girl that is an actual fraud and will be riding front seat of the bus with me straight to hell.
74. The girl that is a cheater and tries to justify it. You people are the worst ever.
75. The spiteful bitch that holds a grudge forever.
76. The girls at karaoke who sings songs that they listened to when they were 10.
77. The girl that can actually sing and its amazingly attractive.
78. The girl who puts up artistic photos on facebook, ok Annie Leibovitz.
79. The girl who has her dream wedding made up and has since she was 6.
80. The girl that has a list of baby names stashed away, probably about 8 per gender. What, are you going to give birth to a litter of kittens?
81. The girl who brings her laptop to a hipster bar to drink coffee and creep facebook.
82. The girl who says she reads books and by books, she means Cosmo and all that other crap.
83. The girl who organizes her entire day down to the allotted 10 minutes of break she will give herself.
84. The girl who picks March Madness with some absurd reasoning, yet still beat me in my bracket.
85. The girl who wears Uggs way too often.
86. The girl you will actually take home to your family.
87. The girl who loves all your guy friends, and you cant figure out why, they are dicks.
88. The girl who eats more then you and remains tiny.
89. The girl with an eating disorder (sad, but true)
90. The girl who is obsessed with their bb or iphone.
91. The girl that stalks you to the point she can probably tell you what you did yesterday.
92. The girls you realize were amazing, but way too late.
93. The girl who always does a kissy face in photos.
94. The excessive picture-taking girl.
95. The girl who listens to Xmas music mid October
96. The girl who only eats salads when out to dinner. Don’t come to dinner with me. People will tell you, I won’t allow it.
97. The girls that swear women don’t fart. Its impossible and I want nothing of it.
98. The girls that took this whole thing seriously and are offended…kill yourself (wait I take that back, your so sensitive you just might)
99. The girl that wants to send me complaints or angry rants, please email me at Menhavebiggerbrains@gmail.com
100. The girl with 6 toes or 6 fingers. I swear I can’t wait to meet you. I’ve been dying to know if you have to order special flip flops or gloves for winter time or you just jam it in. Seriously, this fascinates me.

Lastly, I do appreciate women, I actually love them and this was all in good fun, do not take this post seriously, but I felt inclined to make this list as I am a “guy that doesn’t show a shred of defeat in any situation”

Cheers,
SirLeez

Laziness vs Competitiveness

Funny how I came across a topic today due to a coworker not understanding my excitement for my upcoming fantasy baseball draft. Fantasy sports for men is the closest thing we will ever have to becoming pro. If you happen to one day win a fantasy competition against all your best friends, not only should they give you an ignorantly large trophy, but to getting hold that above their heads for the upcoming season is priceless.

However, our obsession for fantasy sports does not come from dreams of pro athletes, maybe a few of us, but overall it comes from our desires to be competitive while still remaining uncontrollable lazy. Let me explain the relationship between competitiveness, laziness and age.

As young boy, you play 3-4 intramural sports a year, nearly every season, soccer,baseball, basketball and swimming (My family worked me as a boy). While at that age my mother used to tell me I enjoyed the post game snacks more then the actual game itself (I was a fat little shit back then), but yet I would happily run my chubby legs around the field for the entire game and not bitch once, because I was having fun even if it was because I knew I was getting brownies and juice boxes in the postgame. At this age you are are the most active you will ever be, but lack any drive to actually win.

Fast forward to highschool years. Your testerone is off the walls and you want to demolish the other team into the ground, almost as bad as you want to crush your teammates hot younger sister. Your competitive juices flow and you will do anything to win. (The peak of a male sports career. You are both proactive and take extreme measures to win at anything you do, but laziness still exists. If you tried to get me to do hw or clean my room, then screw you, Id rather talk to my friends little sister on AIM and see if she wanted to swig mixers of all my families alcohol in one bottle this friday.)

College years are a whole different story. My idea of working out in college consisted of rugby practice here and there, gun show workout and a hot tub soak/noodle float at the fitness aquatic center on the weekends. This is your peak of laziness. Your sole desire in college is beer and women and sports only interferes with that. You would rather spend the day playing wiffle ball in a field drinking natty light and even then you might get tired and want to go sit down and watch tv because standing in the sun for 2 hours can just not be good for your health.

The post collegiate life sucks in general, but the one thing that keeps me going is my competitiveness with everything I do, whether it be fantasy sports, trivia, bar games and even kickball. This is all we have to look forward to as grown men and all these games we can be victorious in with very little movement. If you told me I had to go somewhere a mile away, id take a cab…not because I cant walk(Im actually in better shape then when I was 18 and cared), but because I am lazy and impatient. We hold on to these dumb games that you might find foolish and immature, but I love my fantasy sports as much as the next guy. Not only will I hold onto these forever, but I can only imagine what I will be like when Im older, other then a DILF with a sweet car and the most manly mustache ever.

Wish us luck, tonight “Our couch pulls out, but we don’t” is going for its second victory in our kickball league!

If I could be any man…

While recently at lunch, shuckers if you must know. I discussed with a colleague and by discussed I mean thought to myself while eating, and by colleague I mean my roommate, who/what profession I would have if I could have any (money doesnt matter)

This became quite a daunting task that I compiled a list of people/professions I thought of and a list of pros and cons, along with my #1 choice.

(In random order)
-Hugh Hefner (Great side aspects of his job, but he is old as shit and Im not even sure if it works anymore at his age, what a waste that would be)

-Athlete (I broke this down into my top 3)
-Baseball(outdoors, male bonding, unlimited tobacco, crushing dingers, couldnt be better)
-Basketball(Could finally dunk and throw up sweet gang signs when I did something cool and fans would love me for it. I mean can you imagine what the first time you dunk must be like, I bet its better then your first BJ)
-Racecar driver(I know people expected something different, but every man dreams of driving as fast as possible in an expensive car where you prob wont die and no one gets mad if you crash it, prett effin sweet deal I’d say)

-Seaworld trainer (Yeah I said it, so shamu ate a bitch…not my problem. Id become king of the dolphins or something sweet like that. Id get them to fetch me sandwiches and soak girls in white t-shirts)

-Cowboy (Anyone who knows me personally knows this is a dream of mine. Id wrestle cattle, where sweet bet buckles and chew on hay while I tamed black beauty in some fucking awesome cowboy hat. Im pretty sure these people serve no purpose to mankind other then being really badass, plus Id carry two six shooters and pretend to be billy the kid ressurected)

-Fighter pilot (If anyone has ever seen Top Gun, you totally understand while this is a choice. I would love to get to play shirtless beach volleyball with other men, but I guess flying at the speed of sound and blowing up terrorist fighter jets is a plus too, all while singing great balls of fire with my main man Goose)

-Beer Royalty(Imagine being part of the Busch family. You ride around on the clysdales with your buddies after getting trashed on the family estate and play a little polo, those family members must die pretty freaking early…Holy shit, I wonder if the Busch family needs a cowboy for their property!?)

My number 1 choice…

-James Bond (You shouldnt even have to ask yourself why…not only does the dude have a license to kill, drives a sweet car, wears a tuxedo, drinks martinis and bangs supermodels only to have the evil henchman kill her…That would be a much easier way to deal with a one night stand. God James Bond is the fucking truth and Id give my left nut to be him.